I'm Dreaming of a GAPWIT Christmas

Redneck Christmas Tree

I didn't invent this or name it. Somebody made it years and years ago, when we used to circulate things by email instead of social media.

Christmas Ladder

Dale Hartman and I had just moved to a new town, with no furniture, and our landlord left this item in the house for a while, to help us get the place together. It worked fine as a seasonal decoration, too.

Making it Go Away

I knew a guy who, one year, had such an aversion to Christmas that he flew to Australia, crossing the International Date Line in such a way that, for him, there was no December 25th.

The Politically Correct Days of Christmas

(This too is unattributed. It arrived in my email box one year.)

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, 

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas* Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh,
heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a completely adequate day.



"Let me know your sizes - Christmas is tight this year."

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads: 

You need four maxis to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers, etc. These slippers are

*Soft and Hygienic
*Non-slip grip strips on the soles
*Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
*No more bending over to mop up spills
*Disposable and biodegradable
*Environmentally safe
*Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light day, and Get out the Sand Bags.


A picture/song my daughter made when she was a kid.

Great-Grandpa's White Fruitcake Recipe

In this wicked world, fruitcake gets no respect. I've heard all the jokes about how the same gnarly fruitcake gets passed around from one person to the next, year after year. And its innocent name is a synonym for an unfortunate individual who is a few bricks shy of a load.

In Boulder they even have an annual Fruitcake Toss, with three weight classes and choice of propellant: physically hurl the poor fruitcake with your very own pitching arm; or use a throwing device of your own invention and construction; or load it into the Pneumatic Spud Gun; or utilize the committee's catapult. It's an event guaranteed to bring out the yokel in the local college students. This is sacrilege.

For a few years in a row, because the candied fruit was half-price the day after Christmas, and because I was in an environment with the space and utensils for a large-scale cooking project, I made a huge batch of Great-Grandpa's White Fruitcake in the spring. 

We're not talking about commercial-grade fruitcake packed with mystery ingredients and horrid little hard bits. A slice of this is pale, with translucent colored panes like stained-glass windows.

What we're dealing with here is an old family recipe, one that originally resulted in a huge vat of batter - Great-Grandpa was a professional baker, after all. Even the fractioned-down version makes quite a few loaves. And just between us, the whole process, from individually inspecting the raisins for stems, to testing for doneness, is pretty much a pain in the ass.

Yet and still, I feel that this recipe could rehabilitate the reputation of fruitcake overnight and take the nation by storm, the way Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies once did. Venture capitalists, call me!

What I take to holiday parties

Nutritionally deplorable, but so delicious! Cherry Fluff reads kind of yucky, but a synergy happens, and mmmmm! It's a darn good thing the holidays only come around once a year.

1 carton (8 oz.) of frozen whipped topping, thawed
1 can (20 oz.) of crushed pineapple, drained
1 can (21 oz.) of cherry pie filling
1 can (14 oz.) of sweetened condensed milk
1/2 cup of flaked coconut
1/2 cup of chopped pecans

In a big bowl, mix them all together thoroughly. Cover and chill overnight. Keep it cold until you eat it.

TM Pie

Another family tradition, a thing my mother and grandmother occasionally made as a very special Christmas gift, is the TM Pie. 

Using a small disposable pie tin, you make a bottom crust and then fill the pie with crumpled tin foil to hold the lid up. Then fit a top crust over it, crimping them together. And don't forget to poke a fork through the surface, to let the steam out. After it's baked and cooled, lift the top crust off and remove the padding. Inside, place a crisp new unit of currency. Put the lid back on, carefully place in a box, and tie a ribbon around it. There's also a poem that goes with it, that I can't find, but it explains that this is a 'Tis Money Pie.

Most Enchanting Christmas Memory

It was a large but non-alcoholic and non-noisy party, sponsored by the workplace. Spouses were invited, and in some cases it was the only time they were seen all year by the other staff. 

There was a guy everybody liked who brought his wife, a troubled woman who was frankly kind of problematic to relate to. And it was known to be a troubled marriage. They had a reason to leave early, but just before they reached the door, she turned around and said, "I want to sing a song for you." With no accompaniment she sang "O Holy Night" and it was absolutely pure transcendent magic. And then they left.

The All-Purpose Greeting Card

I don't know who made this, but it's genius. 


Unknown said…
Thanks Pat, I always love those who see the humor in this crazy holiday. By the way, December 25th is also Sir Issac Newton's birthday. See the NYTimes for a great article titled the Ten Days of Newton http://judson.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/23/the-ten-days-of-newton/
Take care, Todd
Word of the Day said…
Thank you, my dear.

Happy holidays to you as well.

I laughed out loud at your remark about how you keep your spirits up. It has the unmistakable ring of authenticity.